Sticks

Earlier this afternoon, I told Mallory to go and turn the backyard sprinkler off. She's only done this about 100 times since we've lived here, so I let her go unsupervised. About a minute later she walks calmly back inside. I could see the sprinkler still going, so I asked her what happened?

Mallory(in a perfectly composed voice): We have a snake

Me(thinking that Mal is messing with me): Oh really? Where?

Mallory: See that thing that looks like a big stick? (she points through the window)

Me: Yeah (it looked just like a big stick had fallen off one of our trees)

Mallory: It's not a stick

(my heart dropped and a wave a nausea passed over me as I saw the stick slither toward the water faucet...it was a HUGE snake, not one of those minor, skinny things...it's the kind of snake that nightmares are made of)

Me: KAARRREEENNNN!!!!!!! (my mother in law just happened to be over painting my bedroom) There's a snake in the backyard!!!! What do we do??!!!??!! What do we do???!!!!????

Karen (in a calm voice, which is clearly where Mal gets it from): Umm, do you have a shovel? (then she calmly starts to put her shoes on)

Me: I can't believe this is happening. This is one of my recurring nightmares come true. I hate snakes so much. I can't deal with this. (second wave of nausea hits me) I think I'm going to throw up. (I'm so ridiculously scared of snakes that my whole body started to feel weak.)

Karen: Is the shovel in the garage?

Me: Oh yeah...I'll go get it (I honestly thought I was going to throw up, but I was trying hard not to because I had to get the shovel and if we did chop up that big snake then we would have ENOUGH of a mess to clean up without having to clean up vomit as well.)

I returned and followed Karen outside with the shovel. I handed it to her since I was certain that I would not have any arm strength in me once I saw the snake again. When we got to the area where the snake was, the grass was empty. A new panic struck me as I realized that the snake could now be ANYWHERE! Karen suggested we start looking for it. I was more tempted to call 911. How thrilling would it be to be featured on the evening news for dialing 911 over a snake!

We hunted for that monster for half an hour, lifting up every toy and playstructure in the yard. We circled the house twice while I fought nausea and chills the whole time. No snake. I didn't know whether to feel relieved or not. On one hand, I didn't have to witness the butchering of a large, thick snake which was sure to force me to finally throw up. On the other hand, the snake is still out there, which means we have to move.

Jeremy is out of town, so I haven't told him about any of this yet. I'm sure he'll understand, though, that I just cannot share a home with a snake that large. One of us will have to go. It's all so sad since I really like our house.